English as a foreign language

I have two chess opening books:

• Starting Out: Alekhine’s Defense, by FM John Cox
• Starting Out: Queen’s Gambit Accepted, by GMs A Raetsky and M Chetverik

I started playing the Alekhine and scoring points right off the bat. I started playing the QGA online and did not start scoring points, and many months later I still don’t. In the QGA, for the most part, I get crushed in every manner imaginable by players of all strengths.

Here are possible explanations, or factors at any rate:

- The Alekhine is a very concrete attempt to confuse your opponent with weird imbalances and antipositional moves. I am relatively good at this kind of play. The QGA is an attempt to gradually equalize by putting your pieces on good squares. I am not good at that.

Okay, that might be the whole story. But:

- John Cox is an FM; the other guys are GMs. Maybe the FM, as a weaker player, is better at anticipating the really basic questions that people like me need to address. The GMs might automatically write for a higher-level audience.

Yeah, maybe, but:

- The really interesting question is whether Cox as a so-called Westerner (he’s English) fundamentally writes in a manner that’s easier for me as a Westerner to grasp. Have you read Russian or Ukrainian or Georgian literature and history etc? Is it possible that there’s a barrier not of language per se but rather of East-versus-West world view or cognitive style? That even though they’re writing in perfectly good English, I don’t really understand their points?

(Here’s betting if Denys weighs in as a Ukrainian living in the US, he finds a nice way to say “Your first theory was best - you just suck positionally.”  :)

B+N (a minor endgame question)

A master-level player recently said: “I probably shouldn’t admit this but I don’t want to have to mate somebody with bishop and knight!” He wasn’t sure he could do it.

I replied that I also don’t want to play either side of R+B v. R , or R+N v. R . The most likely result is that I’m going to embarass myself.

Now the interesting thing about this is the “I shouldn’t admit this” part. Checkmate with B+N  – so elementary! Shouldn’t any decent player be able to do this “by hand” as blogger DK Transformation would say? (p.s. where are ya, DK?!)

You’d think so. But

A) I wonder if there are actually more people like this master and me – self-taught players who never bothered with some allegedly important fundamentals. And

B) I started playing in 1982 and in tens of thousands of tournament and blitz games since, I don’t recall EVER having to mate with B+N. EVER. So even if it arises once or twice before I kick the bucket, would it be worth the time investment to study?

Various Dutches

There are two things I can’t stand: people who are intolerant of other people’s cultures, and the Dutch.

 - Austin Powers

I previously mentioned the state of industrial regression known as Dutch disease.

If you are familiar with English and German, you can read a fair bit of Dutch.

You’ve also heard the phrase ‘Dutch courage’, i.e. the bravery that comes from being drunk. Turns out that’s one of many disparaging terms developed by, surprise surprise, the English (who apparently hadn’t yet learned that you can’t make yourself look smart by mocking other people).

In chess, I used to play the Dutch defense (1.d4 f5), which got its name not as a perjorative but which is widely regarded as positionally suspect. It’s like a lot of positionally suspect openings – fun when you’re winning, but more often you aren’t.

Where the playaz are

If you’re rated 2200, in California you’re right around the 100th-ranked player in the state.

In New York, you’re roughly #80.

In Texas, you’re right outside the top 50.

In Illinois, you crack the top 25.

In Indiana, you’re #6.

In Idaho, you out-rate everybody in the state by at least 192 points.

Habit

Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.

-Mark Twain

A useful quote for any of us old dogs working feverishly on new tricks. Do not be discouraged by the occasional relapse.

Dear Mr Crabby Old Chessplayer, Number 5

Mister Chessplayer, should I take up the French Defense? 

- Jacques in Jersey

Dear Jacques: NO NO NO NO NO!!!  A THOUSAND TIMES NO! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS SACRED TURN BACK NOW BEFORE YOUR QUEEN BISHOP IS ENTOMBED FOR ALL ETERNITY !!!!!!!

Sincerely, MCOCP

Late in the evening

[Monday update: Hm - what about 28.f4 Qe7 29.Be2 ?  Can Black save his h-file pieces after 29...fxg4 30.Bxg4 ?  This is a 'car line', meaning I don't have a board to check it. Humph.]

Now that we’ve prattled on about how IMs and GMs make mistakes, IM Foygel has kindly reminded me that experts make many more.

Slater (2130) - Foygel (2490)

1.d4 Nf6 2.c4 e6 3.Nf3 b6 4.g3 Ba6 5.b3 Bb4+ 6.Bd2 Be7 7.Nc3 c6 8.Bg2 d5 9.cxd5 cxd5 10.Ne5 0-0 11.0-0 Nfd7 12.Nxd7 Nxd7 13.Bc1 Rc8 14.Bb2 f5 15.Qd2 Nf6 16.f3 h5 17.Rfc1 h4 18.e3 hxg3 19.hxg3 Nh5 20.Qf2 Rf6 [Note: If you get this kind of position with White after 20 moves, you done screwed up.]

21.Bf1 Bb7 [Afterwards Igor noted he should have just played 21...Bxf1 22.Kxf1 Rg6 23.Ne2 Nxg3 24.Nxg3 Bh4]

22.Bd3 Rg6 23.g4 [Same concept as before : 23.Ne2 Nxg3 24.Nxg3 Bh4-+ , but now the Bd3/Rg6 pin allows White to keep hanging on for a bit]

23…Bh4 24.Qh2 Qg5 [See diagram.]

After 24...Qg5: Simple math

[White slightly outnumbered on kingside, yes?] 25.Nd1 Rf8 26.Rc2 e5 27.Rg2 e4 28.gxh5 Qxg2+ 29.Qxg2 Rxg2+ 30.Kxg2 exd3 31.Rc1 f4 32.Rc7 Rf7 33.Rxf7 Kxf7 34.Bc3 fxe3 35.Nxe3 Ke6 36.Nf1 Bc6 37.Bd2 Bf6 38.Bc3 Be8 39.Kf2 Bxh5 40.Ne3 Bh4+

[Whew, not mated. Funky ending, slightly problematic for Black to win because he can't let it go into bishops of opposite color. I try to just sit tight and keep the Black king out. Guess I shoulda tried to keep the bishop out too w/ 42.b4. Not clear to me if this can be held. At any rate, not by me and not against him :)]  41.Kg2 Be7 42.Kg3 Ba3 43.Kf2 b5 44.Nd1 Bc1 45.Ne3 a6 46.Nd1 Kd7 47.Ne3 Kc6 48.Nf1 Kb6 49.Ne3 Bf7 50.Nf1 a5 51.Ke1 Bg6 52.Kf2 d2 53.Bxd2 Bb2 54.Ke3 Bb1 55. a4 Bc2  56.axb5 Bxb3 0-1

So – last game to finish at the club – 11:30pm, four solid hours of play.

I’ve had several friends who were good chessplayers but gave it up for bridge. They said in bridge, you make a mistake, you lose the hand, you get dealt a new hand and start afresh; in chess, you make a mistake, you suffer for many hours and then lose.

Crybabies.

How to beat a Grandmaster

I feel uniquely qualified to provide this advice, not that I’ve ever even taken a GM all the way to time control, but I do have 4 IM draws notched on the gunstock, so really it’s just a matter of time, cough cough, another 300 ELO and I’m so there. But why wait? Here is your crystal-clear, utterly failproof step-by-step instruction manual for beating a Grandmaster.

1. Play him in, like, 150 rated games. Eventually he will tire of flogging you in his favorite openings, his offbeat openings, in tactical flurries, positional squeezes, and every imaginable endgame. And his boredom will eventually coincide with him eating a bad burrito for dinner, plus having a spat with his significant other and/or a falling-out with one of his children or some other relationship calamity, plus a fender-bender on the way to the club, and in this bored and nauseous and emotionally unhinged state he will blunder and give you the opportunity to pounce.

That’s it. I’m telling you, it’ll work. Give it time.

(Plan B - as you take time-scramble notation, poke him in the eye with your pen.)