The chess zodiac

Did you know that your chess opening repertoire completely reveals your personality? Just like those Chinese restaurant placemats….


     You are combative, brave, and confident in your own resourcefulness.

     A sharp positional maneuverer in life as in chess. Always challenging the status quo, even at personal risk.

     Sorry, but you’re rather a passive-aggressive little weasel, aren’t you? You avoid overt conflict, preferring to cast aspersions behind others’ backs.

     Basically solid and reliable, game for a tussle, but also with slight masochistic tendencies. In particular the Guimard subvariation often indicates a very, very sick person.

Caro Kann
     You bore everyone around you, including your own spouse and children.

Alekhine and/or Dutch
     You are bold, incisive, heroic, altruistic, wise and brilliant! Your presence keeps chess alive and interesting! The chess world gives you honor and thanks! (However, you are also completely unstable.)

     You fancy yourself a swashbuckler, but others more accurately perceive you as having a very limited understanding of any kind of chess that doesn’t involve a sacrifice on f7. While your intentions are aggressive, sadly you lack the cojones of a King’s Gambiteer.

Ruy Lopez/Spanish
     Noble, correct, honorable and direct. Interested in active and logical play but not at unjustifiable risk. (Unless you play the Exchange line, in which case, see “Exchange Variations” below.)

     Content to let Black take the lead, you hide uncertainty and timidity behind a mask of positional considerations.

Queen’s Gambit
     A perfectionist and player of beautiful chess, though your artistic sensibilities may hinder your tournament effectiveness.

Exchange Variations of Ruy, French, Caro Kann, Slav, and/or QGD
     A dullard, a lifeless automaton, and a complete narcissist, you are unable to give joy to anyone around you. Please retire from chess and take up knitting.


6 thoughts on “The chess zodiac

  1. Aw c’mon. Obviously the Pirc players aren’t going to say anything (that’d be out of character eh?) but nobody’s going to stick up for the Caro Kann? :)

  2. Hey Matt, you’re on a roll this month at MCC eh.

    I was actually referring to the classical Dutch but you can slide in with the Leningrad. Anybody who plays the Chinese Dragon is okay in my book.

  3. Yeah. I’ve been lucky, but you make your own luck. The pieces can’t make surprise moves if their on bad squares!

    You should have seen my game against Mark last Tuesday. I played a main-line Classical French as White (instead of my usual 2. b3 crap :) ), made move 40 with 0:00:04 showing on my clock, then we both were under two minutes in the sudden death; after an illegal move by Mark (which neither of us noticed) I ended up mating him in the middle of the board with 24 seconds to spare. Schweet!

    Here’s the game: Note this PGN has the illegal move in it 55… Qb6f1+, so it might croak if you analyze with a program.

    [Event “MCC Anniversary Swiss”]
    [Site “Natick, MA”]
    [Date “2007.05.15”]
    [Round “3”]
    [White “Phelps, Matt”]
    [Black “Kaprielian, Mark”]
    [Result “1-0”]

    1. e4 e6 2. d4 d5 3. Nc3 Nf6 4. Bg5 Be7 5. e5 Nfd7 6. Bxe7 Qxe7 7. f4 a6 8. Nf3 c5 9. dxc5 Nc6 10. Qd2 b5 11. O-O-O Qxc5 12. Kb1 Nb6 13. Bd3 b4 14. Ne2 Bd7 15. Nc1 Na4 16. Nb3 Qb6 17. f5 h6 18. Qf4 O-O-O 19. Nfd4 Nxd4 20. Qxd4 Kb7 21. Qg4 Rhg8 22. Rhf1 Rc8 23. Rf4 a5 24. Nd4 Ka8 25. Ka1 Nc5 26. fxe6 fxe6 27. Qe2 Nxd3 28. Qxd3 Rc4 29. Rdf1 Rgc8 30. Rd1 a4 31. Rf7 R8c7 32. Rf8+ Kb7 33. Rf7 b3 34. c3 bxa2 35. Nc2 Re4 36. Nb4 Bb5 37. Rxc7+ Kxc7 38. Qg3 g5 39. Nxa2 Be2 40. Re1 Rg4 41. Qh3 Qf2 42. Rc1 a3 43. Rc2 axb2+ 44. Kxb2 Qb6+ 45. Nb4 Rh4 46. Qg3 Re4 47. h4 Rg4 48. Qe1 Bd3 49. Rd2 Bf5 50. hxg5 hxg5 51. Kc1 Re4 52. Qg3 Rf4 53. Rxd5 Rf1+ 54. Rd1 Rxd1+ 55. Kxd1 Qb6f1+
    Yes, this is an illegal move! Neither player noticed in the time scramble.
    56. Kd2 g4 57. Qh2 Qf2+ 58. Kc1 Kb6 59. Qh8 Qf1+ 60. Kd2 Qxg2+ 61. Kd1 Qf1+ 62. Kd2 Qf2+ 63. Kd1 Qf3+ 64. Kd2 Qg2+ 65. Kd1 Kb5 66. Qb8+ Kc4 67. Qc7+ Kb3 68. Qb6 Bc2+ 69. Nxc2+ Kxc3 70. Qb4+ Kd3 71. Qd4#

Comments are closed.