Top five secrets of keeping your blog obscure

The problem with the Web is that there’s nowhere to hide. If you aren’t careful, you can wind up with all kinds of idiots, unwanted visitors, search engines, or, even worse, friends and relatives finding and reading your blog.

Reassembler to the rescue. Here’s how to keep your thoughts to yourself and your blog safely hidden away from prying eyes.

1. Choose a name with zero commercial value. That way even if you come up #1 on a Google search, it brings in only a trickle of unwelcome guests.

2. Avoid focus. Everything these days is about identifying a niche, having a point of view, the Long Tail. Blah blah blah. If instead you meander from one subject to another, even the occasional surfer who accidentally stumbles onto your blog is unlikely to ever return. If you must tag your articles by subject – which I don’t recommend – a good tactic is to tag every post uniquely, so you wind up with a zillion tags and only one post per tag. Failing that, tagging everything as “uncategorized” will indicate your general hostility toward the reading public.

3. Use really long post titles and sentences and avoid clarity in favor of arcane, brobdingnagian words and overly clever amalgamations of Latin phrases, technical terms and non sequiturs. (See what I did there?) Example here. Generally avoid literalness in favor of metaphor, simile and faux observations of parallelism between disparate subjects. (And a lot of parenthetical phrases.)

4. Never link to anyone else. They might link back. Also don’t allow comments.

5. Don’t do Top Five lists.