Worst possible choices to direct The Hobbit

Contributing editor Matt Phelps won the “Not-Bobby” contest in fine style – nominating Clint Howard as the WORST casting possible to play the lead role in a Bobby Fischer biopic.

Well that was fun, wasn’t it? And now comes the news that Guillermo del Toro (Pan’s Labyrinth) has opted out of directing the live-action films based on The Hobbit. JRR Tolkien fans are hot to get Peter Jackson aboard, since he demonstrated the right level of reverence and faithfulness in Lord of the Rings.

Which got us to thinking about the WORST-case scenarios for The Hobbit:

Director  [ouvre]   likely plot modifications:

Michael Bay  [Transformers, Armageddon]  Three solid hours of Hobbitbots and Dwarfbots firing shoulder rockets at screaming MechaTrolls.

Paul W. S. Anderson  [Mortal Kombat, Event Horizon, and Soldier (which got even worse reviews than the other 2)]   Additional storylines cribbed directly from Flatliners, Star Trek, Boyz N the Hood, Saw I-VI, and whatever GamePro issues are lying around the house at the moment.

David Lynch  [Twin Peaks, Blue Velvet]  Absolutely no guess here.

Adam Shankman  [Cheaper by the Dozen, The Pacifier]   Casts Steve Martin as Gandalf, Keanu Reeves as Bilbo, Daryl Hannah as Thorin Oakenshield.

John Waters  [Hairspray, Pink Flamingos] One word: “Furries”.

Whaddya think? Got any WORSE ideas?


6 thoughts on “Worst possible choices to direct The Hobbit

  1. Sergio Leone [A Fistful of Dollars, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly] Gandalf is a wandering gunman who comes to help Hobbitton rid itself of the evil sheriff/dragon Smaug.

    John Hughes [Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club] Bilbo, Thorin, Elrond and Gollum sit around in a school library to the tune of various 80s hits.

    D. W. Griffith [Birth of a Nation] Gandalf’s hat is replaced by a white hood and he travels Middle Earth ridding it of dwarves.

    Cecil B. DeMille [The Ten Commandments] Charlton Heston plays Bilbo who parts the Bywater pool on his way to Mirkwood… because he can.

  2. But no photos? :)

    You’ve caught me on something here: I hated the Breakfast Club. What a hamfisted movie. (Tho I might on occasion say “smoke up, johnny!) And St. Elmo’s Fire was even worse.

  3. @Derek, I agree. I did like “Sixteen Candles” though. Perhaps because I was in love with Molly Ringwald in the 80s.

    Photos may (or may not) be forthcoming.

  4. Jason Friedberg [Scary movie 1-4, Epic movie, etc.] Leslie Nielsen as Gandalf, Charlie Sheen as Bilbo, and an added subplot involving Bilbo knocking up Carmen Electra (honestly, good on him).

    Yash Chopra [Bollywood film director] Gandalf is played by Justin Timberlake, and during musical numbers, all hobbits become backup dancers. Plus lots of overly dramatic shots of waterfalls and fields of wheat. Added romantic plotline.

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