Dear Mr. Crabby Old Chess Player #10

Help Me Crabby One, You’re My Only Hope:

During long games, I need to snack at the board. So I’ve got a high metabolism! So sue me! My opponents are typically the whiny sort – you know, “You can’t eat here, you’re disrupting my concentration, I’ve got a sensitive stomach, I’ve  got a peanut allergy, wah wah wah.”

I’ll bet those people drive you crazy like they drive me crazy. In a four or six hour game, you’ve got to be able to eat, especially if your last round game went long and you didn’t have time between rounds to go eat a sit-down meal somewhere. It should be about who’s the better chessplayer, not who ate a bigger breakfast. Am I right?

– Sam in Saskatchewan

Hi Sam: You’re an idiot.

Here are the top ten Foods You Can’t Eat During a Chess Game.

  1. Soup (slurp. slurp. slurp.)
  2. Italian sub with hot peppers
  3. Any bean burrito
  4. Any other kind of burrito
  5. Buffalo chicken wings
  6. Stinky feet cheese
  7. Anything with pickles
  8. Any form of frothy supermochafrappalattachino
  9. Durian

You can have water, coffee or soda if you’re able to drink without making noise. If you’re really going to starve, go sit in the corner and gnaw an energy bar for three minutes. Food doesn’t belong at the board.


8 thoughts on “Dear Mr. Crabby Old Chess Player #10

  1. However…beer is a food; I saw that in a Budweiser commercial that one of the Busch brothers made just before they sold out to some $100 billion European conglomerate. Our tournaments and clubs would be much improved by drinking during the games like in Britain. Especially beer, which as I say, is a food. Probably, only one whisky (not whiskey) per game should be allowed, to protect the children.

    That aside, totally agree with you, Oh Crabby Old One, that the chess table is not a restaurant booth. It should be more like a bar.

  2. When I was in Alborg, Denmark on business, I visited the chess club and demonstrated that I was truly an international grand patzer. The first hour had the “kids” etc. Then by 8PM, ALL THE CHILDREN HAD TO LEAVE… and then the case of beer came up from the basement and real chess was played.

    1. Bravo to Blunderprone and the Danes! I am one quarter Danish and prouder than ever, now that I have that report from Alborg.

  3. “… and surely I am at least equal here, wouldn’t you agree? Unfortunately, at this critical moment, just when the draw was within my grasp, it seems I played ‘The Gin Gambit’.”

  4. i routinely go out for 20 minutes to get a slice of pizza or whatever in my long time control games. it’s annoying for the other player because they have nothing to do while you are gone from the board… (unless it’s a really crazy position where 20 min can be used to calculate tons of variations)

  5. It used to be great when MCC was at the legion in Framingham. Still couldn’t take the beer in to the chess room. But some did imbibe in the practice room. Good times! And good to see MCC still going strong

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